Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal! (The Longest Post Ever.)

You know it's a good week when you are constantly reminded of your guilts.

Here's the original painting I made for Shiboi. Hope Shennsley likes it too.

 Rachel May and I fulfilled our poutine quota for the week and while she went shopping for christmas gifts, I got my 1577 Geneva Bible page framed at PRoney's store, Zion's Mercantile, for 50% off.

Dad arrived in Provo late Monday night and all the decisions that were made by the three boys were awful. First, to park Dad's rental in the parking lot in Provo. I'm not surprised at all he got booted. Second, to pick me up at 5:20 to make a 6am temple session. It's five minutes away, plus a ten minute changing time/grace period. Third, to go to the Provo temple, which was closed.

We ended up in the font at Payson instead, where it took them about fifteen minutes to change out of their jumpsuits. So I laid down on the unbelievably plush benches and had a nice chat with the workers, about twelve of them. It started like this, "Well with the rain coming down like that, aren't you glad you're not a pioneer today?"

Dino Egg Oatmeal. 

Greg made Dad oatmeal for breakfast, another poor decision. And this is why he wants to live with me when he's old: I eat all his favorite foods. Which means tacos, paninis, and any breakfast food.

Where do they even sell Necco wafers anymore? This chump.

Greg had some technical difficulties during our mysterious "computer session". Good thing we started early. 9:30 sharp we were off to Logan.

We dropped by Maddox Steakhouse for takeout burgers in Brigham City on the way to Hannah's game. After our arrival at the Spec, Dad decided to ask the natives where he could park to avoid another boot. That convo started like this, "Howdy!"

Yikes. Since there was a total of ten people in the stands, we all got to participate in the festivities during time outs.

I won the Ugly Sweater Competition.

I was the only entry. Not even mad.

Dad almost got to do the Gift Exchange.

And I volunteered Greg and Derek for bungee basketball.

You're welcome.

Shiboi's half. He lost. Probably because he's premature.

After we got Hannah and headed back to Kaysville, we picked up some food and tickets to Star Wars. Hannah and I were on the same page: Kylo Ren must've gotten all the recessive genes cuz, yikes. She at least attempted to choke down a scream when he took his helmet off.

Some ingenious fellow created an Emo Kylo Ren twitter account. And although I don't have a twitter, I found these quite humorous, although probably don't read them if you haven't seen the movie yet. Here's a taste:

1.  Hux and I are building a new Death Star in place of the one that broke. It will be the same, but bigger.
2. Uncle Lando said my helmet makes me look like a depressed lampshade then everyone laughed and hi-fived him. I hate this family so much.
3. Today Hux and I took quizzes to find our Hogwarts houses. He got Slytherin. I got Hufflepuff the first time, but it was a mistake.
4. Dad the rookie used all my Garner Fructis
5. Hux and I are wearing black to commemorate the defeat at the Battle of Endor. We both always wear black, but today it means more.
6. I told Hux that I didn't think much of his name for our band. He said I should go solo. I said never to mention that name again.

We played the accent game, which I will never win. And also Titanic and Life, both of which I won, and with hoards of money. Derek says it's the opposite of real life, in which I will have ten kids, a vegetable husband, and no money. Preach.

One gift was opened each day. Here's Tuesday's.

Drink Gatorade. Thank you.

It's expensive.

Wednesday I convinced Dad to do some P90X. I helped Derek and Hannah through a booty workout. Hannah requested it, but DJ Saggy Booty was voluntold. He did get two cardios in when he ran across the street. Then he had to run back across the street later, so that's two. We're still not sure where Greg was during all of this.

Our first stop in the real world was for some German Plunderschnecke. It's delicious. And highly recommended.

Then, while Hannah was trying to buy an iPhone (which didn't happen since she has no government-issued ID), D, G, and I went to the toy store across the hall. And saw this demon puppy trying to escape.

Then we went to Deseret Book, Dad's favorite store. We were all very enthralled with the books. Also a lego set called "Brick 'Em Young". And this manger set up.

We then found the Church History Museum, Dad's favorite museum. Where, according to the tour guides (aka us), everything was originally owned by Joseph Smith himself. It was no small coincidence that we visited the museum on the man's birthday. (Just a big coincidence.)

We made him do all the activities.
This was the most challenging.

Hannah's face though...

Cinder Hannah. You were absolutely right.

Found this. 

We had to leave after the first floor in order to see the GParents in Sunset. Papa Bear, having just had surgery, was only allowed to sit for 15 minutes. After that time had passed, the time limit changed to an hour, apparently.

Granny B fed us the most gourmet and delicious applesauce we've ever had.

And we enjoyed their company for a good hour or so.

The Hutchins Clan then headed to Amy's for some frivolity and food. And here's a quote from the Stake President: "I brought the alcohol." We ate, drank, and were merry. We met up with Brooklyn at one of Utah's first, albeit already highly successful, Dunkin Donuts.

Loving Hannah's and my contrasting sweatshirts.

We brought all of our presents home to Kaysville in an even tighter "Pri-o". Good thing we didn't have to pause at the Petrol Shop on the way back.

As soon as we arrived, we set up Tree Hutchins. And stole some batteries, which were in the fridge.

This night we opened up Christmas towels. Which are possibly the only towels capable of covering a Hutchins body. (Except Derek's, but he was premature, so he doesn't really count anyways.)

Thursday we all wore our Christmas sweaters. Except Greg. So we teased him all day, even though we were celebrating his birthday at Tucano's. Our waiter, Zach, agreed. Zach complimented our sweaters and complimented Greg on his originality. Then, after our outburst, he said, Well, it was a sarcastic compliment. I'm really on your side. Holla, Zachary. We ate tons of meat, including chicken heart. The code word to flip over the signaling beacon was "apricot". Once we flipped it right as a waiter was coming over. He stopped mid-run, with a very sad face, and retreated. Another waiter, seeing that our beacon was on red, danced tantalizingly with meat by our table to "Carol of the Bells", which was playing. Then we all shared a chocolate cake that Hannah could've eaten herself.

Dad was boosting us left and right with comments like these:

After some digestion, we went to see the lights. Since this was Dad's favorite day, we reminded him by letting him choose where we turned next. Don't worry-we got to see African Jesus and the mini SLC temple replica. And didn't get a boot.

Best day of my life. -Dad

We all opened one present. We made Greg open one from me because we knew it was a Christmas sweater and he didn't have one. After being teased all day for not wearing one, he was much relieved. We skyped Mimi and Grampy (who also boosted us). After claiming characters, we ended the night by watching Clue and feasting on guacamole and homemade popcorn.

We also came up with some Moriah memes, in memory of our favorite sister.

Other captions include (but are not limited to):

-When words are your life
-When Alma's your boyfriend, but he ain't real
-When you only wanna eat, but you got diarrhea
-When you wanna play Uno, but you gotta go to bed
-Eats 17 sandwiches. Still hungry.
-When Naomi doesn't let you go to bed early.
-When there's 17 laps to go, but your leg's broken
-When you tryna go potty: please. 

Friday we awoke relatively late and feasted on Mom's coconut bread. Yum.

We opened presents. Greg, as the self-designated "hander-outer", was voted to open presents every other one. I'm sure you'll hear more about these gifts in the weeks to come.

We had to do it all in half an hour so that we could Skype the family and show them their Christmas presents. The first, a special request from Kevin

The second, a pieced-together film from segments left on the video camera from ages ago.

And the third, a mixture of everything. This has been especially useful in explaining my family to other people.

We packed up and shoved everything Provo-bound into the car and headed to Uncle Ben's. Where we let Dad and Greg play board games like they've always dreamed, and Hannah and I played Just Dance like we've always dreamed. And we let Derek play once.

We also watched Home Alone 2, which we were never permitted to watch as children, while eating Joy's guacamole. And Holy Guacamole! After enjoying time with our cousins, we enjoyed a real feast of steak, salmon, and chocolate cake with them. Then I went home to sleep it off.

Spiritual Thought of the week comes in the form of a surprisingly accurate and succinct Bible summary:

Genesis

God: Alright you two, don't do the one thing. Other than that, have fun.
Adam & Eve: Okay.
Satan: You should do the thing.
Adam & Eve: Okay.
God: What happened?!
Adam & Eve: We did the thing.
God: Guys....

The Rest of the OT

God: You are my people, and you should not do the things.
People: We won't do the things.
God: Good.
People: We did the things.
God: Guys....

The Gospels

Jesus: I am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the Father and I still love you and want you to live. Don't do the things anymore.
Healed people: Okay! Thank you!
Other people: We've never seen him do the things, but he probably does the things when no one is looking.
Jesus: I have never done the things.
Other people: We're going to put you on trial for doing the things.
Pilate: Did you do the things?
Jesus: No.
Pilate: He didn't do the things.
Other people: Kill him anyway.
Pilate: Okay.
Jesus: Guys....

Paul's Letters

People: We did the things.
Paul: Jesus still loves you and because of Him you have to stop doing the things.
People: Okay.

Paul's Letters Part II

People: We did the things again.
Paul: Guys....

Revelation

John: When Jesus comes back, there will be no more people who do the things. In the meantime, stop doing the things.

May we all stop doing the things. Peace and blessins. Peace and blessins.

Yeah, I'm scared too. Seeya.